Five Points About Guilt: Parts 3-5
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Researchers estimate that about 60% of the US population have experienced one or more adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) such as physical and sexual abuse, and a significant number of those individuals have had multiple ACEs. Studies indicate that ACEs can have profound negative effects on physical and mental health in adulthood. One of the common psychological effects is toxic guilt.
A subset of ACEs involve trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse. The American Psychiatric Association defines trauma as “exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence.” Trauma affects adults as well as children, including those who have been exposed to combat, disasters, medical emergencies, and so on.
As we will discuss in a future post, there are multiple pathways between adverse childhood experiences and problems with guilt later in life. For example, abused children are at risk for a spectrum of post-traumatic reactions to the physical act of being abused, but they also have the additional burden of blaming themselves for whatever happened. When bad things happen to children under the age of eight or nine, they tend to blame themselves. If you ask a third grader why his dad beats him, he will likely say “because I’m bad.” As a result, in later years when people mistreat him, his immediate response may be to feel guilty and responsible.
There is something inherent in the experience of trauma that makes even adults feel blameworthy and ashamed. In addition to symptoms of PTSD such as anxiety, nightmares and flashbacks, traumatic events can also give rise to what is called “moral injury” involving a feeling of guilt and shame, even if the person has only been a witness.
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What is toxic guilt? Toxic guilt is unwarranted, excessive and destructive. The person experiencing it often has the belief, “I can never be forgiven for what I’ve done.” The painful feelings never seem to go away. Thoughts about one transgression may lead to a “laundry list” of many other actions the person regrets, so that “I made a bad choice” soon becomes “I’m a bad person.” Toxic guilt can demoralize a person to the point where he or she cannot see a way out of the negative feelings or thoughts.
As noted above, under the right conditions, guilt can be a force for good in our lives, but only if we can manage the emotional pain associated with it and find a way to avoid making similar mistakes in the future. Constructive guilt starts with the premise “I am a good person who made a bad choice.” By building on that foundation, we are leaving room for forgiveness and redemption.
The first step in developing a constructive response to guilt is knowing when it has crossed the line into toxicity. In a later post, I will discuss the differences between toxic and constructive guilt in greater detail, to help you catch yourself when your guilt is becoming toxic.
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Movies and TV often portray people changing their lives because of one dramatic moment of insight in therapy. How I wish that were the case! We all have moments of insight, and they can be very influential, but it takes practice and lots of trial-and-error learning to translate those insights into skills we can use in our day to day lives.
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Understanding the differences between constructive guilt and toxic guilt, so you can identify when you have crossed the line
Improving your emotional regulation skills, so you can tolerate painful feelings of guilt and look objectively at the situation
Understanding the differences between constructive guilt and toxic guilt, so you can identify when you have crossed the line
Evaluating whether you have done something truly wrong, and how bad the consequences were of your actions
Recognizing when thoughts accompanying guilt are exaggerated or distorted, so you can learn to “talk back to self-talk”
Resisting the tendency to overgeneralize and attach negative labels to yourself rather than your behaviors
Identifying the ethical standards and core values that are most important to you, so you can use them to distinguish between right and wrong
Learning to pay less attention to your “shoulds”, rules you supposedly need to follow, but really don’t reflect your core values
Developing more empathy for others, so you can more accurately identify when your words or actions have been hurtful
Opening up selectively about your guilty feelings with someone you trust
If you participate in a religious traditions, connecting with its teachings and rituals that emphasize forgiveness and redemption (rather than condemnation and punishment)
Curbing the tendency to blame yourself for the actions of others or events you cannot control
Learning how to apologize effectively when you hurt another person
Developing skills to help you resist when other people try to use guilt to manipulate you
Resisting the urge provoke guilt in others in a destructive way, or when it’s not justified
Seeking treatment from a qualified mental health professional, especially if you are suffering from symptoms of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, or obsessive compulsive disorder or other disorders closely tied to guilt (Links go to information on the National Institute of Mental Health).
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Guilt is a complex issue - you can’t solve it and then just put it away and forget about it. It’s going to challenge you at every stage of life, and it should.
Slow and steady will win the race!
I will help you get started on these skills in upcoming posts.
Next up: Constructive Guilt Versus Toxic Guilt: Key Differences