Five Points About Guilt: Parts 1-2

• 1.     Guilt shows that you have a conscience and empathy for others.  These are essential components of our humanity.

  If you struggle with painful feelings of guilt or remorse, rest assured – you are not alone.  Just about everyone experiences significant guilt at various points in their lives. If you have personal values and a moral code, then you are likely to experience guilt when you fall short of the standards you have set for yourself. If you have empathy (the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes), then it will bother you when your actions cause harm to others.

  It’s true that guilt helps many of us “stay in line,,” but it does much more than that. If we don’t get lost in endless self-criticism, guilt can help us change and grow into better versions of ourselves, by aligning our choices more closely with our values.

  What about people who say they don’t ever feel guilt or regret over their actions? Some people may say such things just to be provocative. If they really mean it, then they are telling you they don’t have much of a conscience and have minimal concern for others.  If possible, you should keep as far away from them as you can. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

• 2.1 Guilt can bring more than emotional pain – it can alter the very trajectory of one’s life.

  Most of us are well-acquainted with the emotional pain associated with guilt, but we may not realize how it can influence many other aspects of our lives, sometimes without our awareness. Guilt can drive our career paths, our choices of friends and romantic partners, the way we parent our children, and the methods we employ to regulate our emotions.

  Guilt that has developed because of adverse experiences during childhood and adolescence can be especially influential in determining the “scripts” we follow throughout our adult lives, potentially leading to a wide range of further difficulties.

• 2.2 Do any of the following items describe you?

  • Dwelling on a “laundry list” of behaviors you view as morally wrong or destructive to others

  • Feeling guilty because you think you did something hurtful to someone, only to find out later that the other person wasn’t upset

  • Finding it hard, and sometimes impossible, to forgive yourself for wrongdoing, even for things you may have done decades ago

  • Feeling like you are a bad person whenever you make a mistake of any kind

  • Feeling guilty when you experience unwanted thoughts, urges, and/or negative emotions that you didn’t choose to have

  • Feeling guilty (and taking responsibility) for other people’s bad behavior, or failing to prevent something that was not in your control

  • Feeling guilt based on what you “should” do, without considering what you really want, or what is in your best interest

  • Feeling guilty about making the same mistakes repeatedly, but never really changing your behavior

  • Finding it hard to admit or apologize when you are wrong

  • Finding that other people trigger guilty reactions on your part too easily or too frequently, sometimes to manipulate you

  • Frequently “guilt-tripping” others or constantly reminding them of their mistakes

  • Getting caught up in a vicious cycle, in which you act badly towards someone and then overcompensate for your mistakes (e.g., losing your temper with your kids and then over-indulging them afterwards)

  • Worrying that God will not forgive you or will punish you for whatever you have done wrong

  • Viewing bad things that happen to you or your loved ones as retribution for your misdeeds

  • Always feeling like you have a dirty secret from your past, fearing that it will come to light somehow

  • Allowing guilty feelings to keep you from getting close to people for fear they will find out about your misdeeds and character flaws

• 2.3 Under the right conditions, guilt can actually become a positive force in one’s life.  

  Here are some ways guilt can promote personal growth:

  • Guilt can be a signal for us to reflect on our core values and evaluate whether our choices reflect those values

  • Guilt can warn us when we may be heading down a destructive or self-defeating path

  • Guilt may point the way towards things that need to be done to prevent or repair problems in relationships

  • Guilt can motivate self-improvement, becoming better versions of ourselves

• 2.4 Sometimes we feel too much guilt, but at other times we may not feel guilty enough.

  Most of us want to live according to our core values, but we may do so selectively and inconsistently. Similarly, most of us experience guilty feelings, but those also may operate selectively. So just as you may feel unwarranted guilt, there will also be times you don’t feel guilty when perhaps it was warranted. You may also do harm without even realizing it, even while thinking you were doing something positive or helpful.

  Contrary to what some may believe, a psychologist is not looking to stop their patients from feeling guilty or let them off the hook for the bad choices they have made. A psychologist’s role is to help clients evaluate their own behaviors as objectively as possible, without sugar coating anything, so they can determine whether they have lived up to the values they espouse.  If there are significant contradictions between their actions and their values, a psychologist has a duty to bring those discrepancies to light. Conversely, a psychologist also has an obligation to help clients recognize when their self-condemnation is over-the-top, resulting in mental health problems rather than personal growth.

Next up: Five Points About Guilt: Parts 3-5