Toxic Versus Constructive Guilt: Nine Differences
Toxic Guilt Versus Constructive Guilt: Nine Key Differences
If you’re wondering whether your guilt reactions are constructive or toxic, try evaluating the situation based on the nine differences in the table above. We’ll review each line in the table, and later we’ll arm you with skills that address each issue.
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You may feel guilty based on thoughts that are inaccurate or exaggerated, leading to a level of distress above and beyond what is warranted. There are several types of cognitive distortions, some of which are illustrated in the example below of a mother who had yelled at her daughter over a minor issue. You can see how thoughts based on distorted perceptions can build on one another, amplifying the seriousness of the event and leaving a person feeling guilty, ashamed and discouraged.
Catastrophizing: Telling yourself things are worse than they really are.
Example: “I shouldn’t have screamed at my daughter. I’ve ruined our relationship.”
Overgeneralization: Coming to broad conclusions based on a limited sample.
Example: “I’m always losing my temper with her.”
All-or-nothing thinking: Seeing things in black-or-white terms, without shades of grey.
Example: “A good mother would never have yelled like I did”.
Labeling: Using loaded, negative language to describe yourself
Example: “I’m a terrible mother.”
If you are prone to experiencing toxic guilt, before you condemn yourself you should first make sure that you have evaluated the situation objectively. If you find yourself using absolute words to describe yourself or your life – words like always, never, nothing, everyone, and everything - the chances are good you are looking at things in a distorted way. Since distorted thinking lies at the root of most aspects of toxic guilt, there will be more examples as we review the rest of the table.
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As the writer Emma Bombeck said. “Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.” As noted above, it’s common for all of us to exaggerate the severity and significance of the things we do wrong. Even when your guilt is based upon significant wrongdoing, should it torment you forever? Should your guilt feel intolerable and continue indefinitely at that level of intensity, for the rest of your life? You may find yourself still guilty over choices you made decades ago, even though the consequences are no longer relevant, and the people who were affected have long since moved on.
To be sure, even constructive guilt can bring great pain and may linger for some time. Like grief, constructive guilt typically includes significant elements of loss – opportunities that will never come again (e.g., parenting your children during their formative years), relationships that will never be the same, and so on. However, like grief, the frequency and intensity of constructive guilt should diminish over time, and at some point, mourning over something you did wrong should no longer be a dominant theme in your day-to-day life.
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If you seem to be doing the same thing repeatedly and not learning from consequences, then of course it will be important to understand why and address the underlying problem. However, a laundry list doesn’t work like that. If you find yourself reviewing the same old mistakes and misdeeds every time you do something wrong, then it’s likely you have crossed over into toxic guilt territory. A laundry list will likely include things that bear no relationship to the current issue, including choices you made years ago that are no longer relevant (e.g., “I stole money from my mother’s purse when I was eleven, cheated on an exam in college, and spanked my son when he was a toddler”).
Maybe now is the time to look closely at all the items on your laundry list and see what you can toss away for good!
Unfortunately, laundry lists also play a role in our relationships, especially with our life partners and our children. When relationships become strained, we may start silently tallying up grievances against the other person, which may eventually surface as constant criticism and conflict. Worse yet, we may regularly spew all the laundry list items during arguments. Few experiences are as disheartening as having to hear a long litany of resentments from one’s spouse or parent. The results may include alienation between parents and children and the deterioration of relationships with spouses.
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For many of us, guilt may immediately and consistently lead to shame, viewing oneself as a bad person. Distorted thinking, particularly overgeneralization, is typically the catalyst. We may describe our “badness” with many different adjectives: immoral, unethical, dishonest, abnormal, unlovable, unforgivable, disgusting, loathsome, abnormal, a cheater, a bad mother (son, sister, etc.) being just a few of the many possibilities. Regardless of the words we use, the bottom line is a sense of being worthless, with all the potential negative consequences that brings. Moreover these labels imply that this is our identity and we cannot change. What a hopeless scenario! Like toxic guilt, shame is another painful emotion that can drive many of us to make self-defeating choices to turn it off.
Constructive guilt rests on this assumption: I am a good person who made a bad choice.
We’ll have a lot to cover later on the guilt-shame connection, but for now, let’s say that again, all together: I am a good person who made a bad choice.
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You may ruminate about what a bad thing you did and how you deserve to be punished in some manner, without seriously considering the possibility that you can learn from your mistakes, can be forgiven or restore your self-esteem by making better choices in the future.
Those who were raised in various religious traditions may have been taught that God will punish them for the things they have done wrong. Some of my patients have discovered that the individuals who taught them had made inaccurate or selective interpretations of their religious dogma, interpretations that ignored teachings on forgiveness and redemption also present in their traditions. It’s noteworthy that even people who have no belief in a deity, may still believe that they will be punished somehow for things they have done wrong.
Some of us spend years dreading a punishment that never comes. Even if things are going well for you, you may find yourself forever “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. Moreover, you may think that the punishment will be inflicted not only on you but also on your loved ones. Lastly, you may also believe that your misdeeds will make you ineligible for good things in life in the future, that you have forfeited your chance to be happy, successful or loved.
Constructive guilt doesn’t gloss over the bad choices you’ve made or the negative effects on other people – as we’ve noted, it’s deeply painful to look objectively at those things. However, constructive guilt allows for learning and self-improvement, as well as forgiveness, from yourself, from your God, and if you are fortunate, from those who have been affected by your actions.
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When you feel guilty, it’s important to ask yourself: Is this based upon an actual choice I made?
The concept of free will rests on the assumption that you can choose between good and evil. However, all of us, even the best human beings on the planet, have a dark, socially unacceptable side: Dark feelings, dark thoughts, dark pictures in our heads, and dark urges or fantasies, all of which may occur spontaneously, without our choice or permission. Are you making moral judgements based on these internal events that never see the light of day, or on your behavior, what you choose to do with them?
Some of us tend to feel guilty for the choices other people make, as well as our own choices. The most common examples probably involve parents feeling responsible for their children’s choices, but there are many scenarios in which people feel guilty about the actions of other adults. As research indicates, the tendency to take on too much responsibility puts people at risk for clinical depression – and why wouldn’t it? Some of the most egregious examples include victims of domestic violence who blame themselves for provoking the perpetrator or spouses who feel guilty when their partners abuse substances.
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Most of us live by a personal moral code, which likely includes values common to all societies (e.g., “Thou shalt not kill”), laws and regulations, ethics of one’s profession, and so on. However, we also may expect ourselves to adhere to many unwritten (and possibly unspoken) “shoulds” we have acquired through life experiences. Much of the toxic guilt experienced by my patients seems to involve those “shoulds”, both those we aspire to follow, and those others may try to impose on us. We often fail to recognize that many of these “shoulds” are not universal values – they may be highly idiosyncratic, specific to one’s culture, ethnicity, religion, family and so on.
When you feel guilty, make sure you can articulate exactly what rule you have broken, where that rule comes from, and whether that rule is truly part of your personal moral code. For example, you may feel guilty for dropping out of college to pursue a trade, because “You should get a college degree”. Was that truly your personal goal or someone else’s? Have you harmed yourself or another person by pursuing a different career path? Was getting a college degree really a requirement for being considered a good person or a “nice to have”?
When it comes to relationships and social etiquette, one person’s “shoulds” or expectations may well conflict with those of another. Friction may occur when someone follows a different set of social rules or feels entitled to be treated in a certain way. You may encounter anger and moral condemnation from another person for breaking “shoulds” that are arbitrary and unspoken. If you take on the burden of guilt when that happens, you might find it helpful to read an article we’ll post later that discusses how to resist “guilt tripping”.
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When we feel guilty and ashamed over something we’ve done, our first instinct may be to keep it hidden. Harboring a guilty secret can have an immediate impact on our relationships and keep us trapped in a repeating cycle of guilt, shame and isolation. We may feel like imposters every day of our lives, like we are always play-acting, and when others compliment us or show us respect, we may think “If only they knew ….” Not surprisingly, toxic guilt can make it hard to get close to other people without worrying about being exposed and ultimately rejected.
On the other hand, discussing our misdeeds with the right person can help us feel connected with others again, and move on in our lives without the burden of guilt. We may learn that other people have struggled with guilt over similar actions, and they may even share coping strategies that helped them feel whole again, strategies that might work for us as well.
“Guilt-tripping” is another way toxic guilt intrudes on relationships. Some of us may automatically take the blame when other accuse us of mistreating them or failing to live up to their expectations. If you find that happening repeatedly with the same person, you probably could benefit from taking a closer look at the relationship dynamics. Have you truly violated your own moral code, or is there is a mismatch between your expectations of the relationship and those of the other person? Is the other person using guilt induction as a means of getting what they want from you? If so, what is the impact on you? In a later post we’ll discuss strategies to resist being manipulated by guilt.
Finally, some of us may also use guilt as a means of influencing others. If so, we should be mindful of the potential impact on the other person and on the relationship. When people disappoint us in various ways, it is natural to think that they must not care about our feelings or expectations. However, this is not necessarily true. This point is especially important to remember if you have a child or adolescence who is experiencing academic problems. You (and your co-parent) might be piling on the guilt induction with no discernible effect on academic performance, but meanwhile the youngster feels increasingly guilty and ashamed.
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The pain of toxic guilt can lead to two types of problematic choices – using destructive methods of coping with one’s emotions and going overboard trying to make up for past misdeeds.
Those of us who have difficulties with emotional regulation may find it hard to tolerate painful feelings, including guilt. That may make it difficult to analyze guilt-triggering situations objectively and lead to using self-defeating coping strategies, such as substance abuse, to numb the negative emotions. Those coping strategies may then create problems of their own, including as Shakespeare suggests, more bad choices. Skills such as mindfulness and other forms of meditation or relaxation can help improve emotional regulation by learning to tolerate negative feelings rather than trying to tamp them down or eliminate them. Classes and apps that teach mindfulness (such as Headspace) are widely available and can get you started developing better regulation skills.
As we’ve suggested, constructive guilt can help us make better choices in the future. In a later post, “Do the Next Right Thing”, we’ll talk about taking advantages of opportunities to do good things in the present moment. However, it’s important not to go overboard trying to make up for misdeeds in the past to the point where we create new problems for ourselves. For example, one mother of two school-aged children often found herself screaming at them for minor misbehavior. When she calmed down, she typically tried to make it up to her children by indulging them, letting them eat what they wanted or stay up past their bedtime, or even buying new toys for them that she could not afford. The children eventually reached the point where they now regularly expected those indulgences and became angry when they weren’t forthcoming. The net result was more tension and conflict in the family, which started the whole dysfunctional cycle over again.